it is not easy for me to write that sentence up there. i don't understand all the ins and outs of it... but i am keenly aware that it is unusually difficult for me to say that i am loved. i know that there are plenty of people in my life who care about me and would do anything for me if i asked. and there are even some particular people who genuinely love me just the way that i am. still, i am secretly afraid that if i were to actually name them here and now, those same people would flog me publicly. *i don't actually know what it means to "flog" an individual, but i am pretty sure it is what they do to fozzy bear in 'muppets go to hollywood.' in order to flog another, there has to be a lot of throwing lettuce on a stage, i think.
i know that none of my loved ones would really ever throw lettuce at me, just for saying that i think they love me. however, i have always had this fear that if i make a declaration of certainty about any relationship... that everything i think to be true will blow up in my face and i will have been bamboozled in a serious way. it's as if i believe that if i avoid ever being vulnerable enough to say that someone loves me, then i can also avoid the suffering and humiliation that comes when you find out that, in actuality, they do not. i realized this was a serious problem when i would not even say out loud that God loved me. primarily because i did not fully believe it to be true.
i once had a college roommate tell me that Jesus probably didn't love my singing voice. but, other than that... i had no reason to believe that Jesus had anything against me in particular. (aside from my obvious, heinous sin nature that is.) so, why couldn't i feel loved by God? other heinous sinners seemed to bask in the love of God, why couldn't i?
i honestly have no real point here.
it's just that the other day, i was driving in the car, feeling very sad, and i was listening to a secular love song about how the singer will make everything okay, and will be there to show the listener all this love. and right when i was about to dry heave, something hit me for the first time, i really believed that Jesus was trying very hard to say "hey, you. i really love you. and all these words are cheesy and unrealistic as far as romantic love goes... but I died and then I came back to life and I did that for you. and I can do things like that because I am God... so, i think that i can handle loving you. stop protecting yourself, I can take it from here thank you very much. but, keep it down with all the singing. just kidding, you belt it out baby."
this made me realize two things. i will list them below.
- Heaven might be a little bit like the 6th grade, in that i still had a nice singing voice at that time. it wasn't until the 7th grade that i recorded myself singing a gospelly version of amazing grace on my answering machine taper and realized how horrific my voice was. the 7th grade is more like hell as far as singing voices go. but in heaven, they're all a bunch of 6th graders up there lovin' every minute of my jams.
- Jesus is seriously wild about me.
now, i realize how stupid and ridiculous it sounds to say that i believe that God literally came down from heaven, became a little baby Jesus-God, who grew up to be rejected and tortured and executed just so He could push me out of line at the gates of hell. i know that it is crazy to believe that Jesus is speaking to me through the theme song from the movie hope floats. i know that sounds crazy. it IS crazy! but, i actually believe all of that. and i am so thankful that i do. because in Him, there is hope. there is hope that someone like me could be loved! there is hope that God can redeem the cheesiest of songs, and also my wicked soul. there is hope that i can be vulnerable in my relationships without fear of being flogged. and there is even hope that somebody out there in the universe could love my singing voice.
and if that isn't proof that there is an all-loving Creator ... i seriously don't know what is.