Day 31. I just realized yesterday that next year will be the 30th anniversary of my brother’s violent and untimely death. There is something about the passage of that amount of time that embarrasses me, in a way. I hate that, but it’s true. How many of you wonder what my problem is? How many people ask why I cant just be over it by now?
I will tell you why I still grieve. After all these years… yes, still.
Grief has no expiration date. It is not contained to any particular time frame. Grief knows no bounds because grief is born out of love and love transcends time and reason and even death. I was only 11 when Adam was shot and killed on a man’s front steps. I loved him so dearly but I could not grieve then. Not really. I had all the awareness and love of an adult - but I was a little girl so I didn’t have the tools or capacity to process and cope with complex trauma and grief. My grief process was subsequently delayed, and I shouldn’t be embarrassed by that… but there is still a part of me that grapples with some amount of shame for not being “stronger” or “over it by now.”
Next year, the 30th anniversary of Adam’s passing, will be my last year doing #AdamsActs — at least in the way that I do it now. While I will continue to do acts of kindness in his memory (all year long), I want to shift my efforts in October. There is a scholarship fund in Adam’s memory that I would like to build up. This scholarship helps a talented and bright student athlete from Grand Haven High School go to college. This goes to a kid like Adam. I would *also* like to build an additional scholarship in his memory that goes to a kid that isn’t like Adam. This fund will help a student athlete from a marginalized community who does NOT have the same resources and privileges that Adam and I had growing up. This will go to the kind of kid whose differences Adam saw, honored and celebrated.
My last few days of October were peppered with various acts of kindness. Giving rides home to kids from events (prompting a touching thank you message from one single mom who was so appreciative of such a small thing.) Volunteering to spend most of this week providing back up and respite for a former foster family going through a challenging time. Helping search for a girl’s missing hearing aid in the dark. Donating to a woman who lost her husband and unborn daughter just 4 days apart. Signing multiple petitions to support the various passions and efforts to make meaningful change in this world around us. Small things, but things I can do because I have privilege. I have a car, I have a flexible career which allows me time to help other families, and I have a beautiful and supportive family and community that would rally around me at the drop of a hat if I needed it. These are privileges. And I want to lay them down for others whenever possible.
If you want to help me get a jump start on building these two scholarships, you can send me a direct message for an easy way to make a donation or you can venmo me @laracapuano and every cent will go directly to the scholarships. But for now, that’s a wrap on October. I hope that you find peace in your day and freedom from any shame for carrying what you still carry, for loving who you still love, and for grieving whomever you still miss. You aren’t alone, and all of the “stills” mean you are still brave enough to feel, to love, to exist. #bekind
